Mikeypedia

Of all the memes that flit across our Facebook pages on a regular basis, one jumped out at me yesterday. You’ve seen quite a few versions of it:

You know you’re a child of the 80s if…
Things today’s kids will never use…
Stuff we did as kids and still survived…
Do your kids know what this is?

Sure, these lists sometimes make me feel old, but generally they make me smile. There’s some nostalgia, of course, as I’m reminded of days gone by. But mostly I’m amazed at how much the world has changed just in the short (HA!) time that I’ve been around.

These memes are going to lead to some very entertaining conversations in the future. Actually, now that the first wave of the Millenial generation has hit adulthood, I’ve already had some of these conversations.

“Yes, I remember walking up to the TV to change channels.”
“Yes, I remember the price of gas being less than a dollar per gallon.”
“Yes, seeing the original Star Wars on the big screen was lifechanging.”
“Yes, I played Pong before it was hip and ironic.”
“Yes, we made the same inane ‘art is for the world!‘ arguments defending piracy when we copied records onto cassettes.”
“Cassettes… they’re little plastic squares with tape inside that recorded and played music.”
“Tape… it’s kinda like film, only it was for music rather than images.”
“Film… it’s what we used before digital video… oh, never mind!!”

My point is, these conversations are already happening in my daily life. And the technological rate of change continues to ramp up… soon it won’t be parents having these conversations with their children. Soon we’ll have teens telling their preteen siblings about how they had to plug their old housecleaning robots into the wall overnight to recharge them, before the new kinetic models came out that actually recharge themselves as they vacuum.

All fun aside, there is a rather serious version of this phenomenon that gives me pause. I’m talking about societal ideologies – the truly stupid things groups of people will believe for no better reason than peer pressure.

This is not new. If this internet meme had been around a generation before mine, it might’ve looked something like this:

“You know you’re a child of the 40s and 50s if:
1. You thought Jim Crow laws were just swell, and the Civil Rights Movement was mostly just sour grapes.
2. You thought the Fair Labor Standards Act was going to destroy the economy.
3. You thought McCarthyism was a perfectly reasonable outlook.
4. You were certain that interracial marriage was the other root of all evil.

IMPORTANT NOTE HERE!! I am not saying that everyone who grew up in the 40s and 50s agreed with these things. But they were common opinions.

And I’m going to be sad when I have to say these things to kids in a few years:

“Yes, we really thought that we had nothing to do with the changing climate.”
“Yes, we really thought that pit bulls were significantly more evil than any other animal.”
“Yes, we still used religion to defend bigotry and bullying.”
“Yes, we still thought supply-side was a valid macroeconomic theory.”
“Yes, we still thought that our Founding Fathers meant freedom of religion should only apply to Christianity.”
“Yes, we really thought people wouldn’t catch on to the fact that birtherism was rooted in deep-seated racism.”
“Yes, we thought Simon Cowell held the key to television greatness.”
“Yes, in our attempt to make people believe we cared about the nutrional value of school lunches, we really tried to pass legislation declaring ketchup as a vegetable.”

Fortunately, just as there were people in the 40s and 50s who didn’t believe their myths, there are people today who don’t believe these. And eventually, things do change. The Jim Crow laws were eventually supplanted by the Civil Rights Act. McCarthyism eventually faded into the shadows.

This gives me hope. Hope that eventually equality will overcome bigotry and bullying. Hope that eventually we’ll realize that it’s the owner’s fault, not the dog’s. Hope that someday my favorite shows won’t be the first ones cancelled.

Until then, I’ll try to be a bit more patient. But let me just say this one last thing:

If we get kinetic robots that self-recharge by vacuuming before I get my flying car, I’m gonna have to write someone a strongly worded letter!

Or email. Or telepathy-gram. Or whatever we’re doing by then…

It was early summer, 1977, and I was on my way to the movies… I didn’t know exactly what to expect, but I did have some ideas.

For example, that was back when Freon was the coolant of choice, so theater air conditioners really worked. I knew it would be much cooler inside than outside. Of course, I was in Texas – everywhere was cooler than outside.

I knew my dad would order peanut M&Ms for himself, and a large popcorn for the family to share.

I knew that the movie had something to do with space – and that a couple of my friends had already seen it, and said it was the best thing ever!!!

I was never a very patient person – and that was well before I came to actually look forward to movie previews – but eventually the wait was over.

That opening sequence is permanently etched in the minds of millions of Americans. The sudden explosion of the symphonic theme music. The maddeningly slow pace of the exposition text as it flowed along, introducing us to the Empire and the rebellion. The amazingly realistic spaceship that first came into view – followed by the heart-stopping, jaw-dropping enormity of the Star Destroyer that roared onto the screen.

Even now, at my advanced age (HA!), that scene evokes a strong emotional response… but when I was 9 years old – it was beyond anything I’d experienced.

It was life-changing. It’s difficult to over-estimate the impact the movie had on my thinking.

Evil was a very real thing. Heroism was possible, even if you were a whiny farm boy. Dedicated small groups of people could make a difference, even if the group was made up of an orphan from the sticks, a rogue with questionable ethics, and a snooty and sarcastic princess. Right was more important than might. And robots & big furry critters were cool!

These are things that I didn’t learn from Sunday School, or from Indian Guides, or from Mrs. Krutilek – my super-hot fourth grade homeroom teacher. Maybe I should’ve been able to learn it in those traditional arenas, but I definitely didn’t.

But I did learn it. And in the 35 years since I first saw the movie, I haven’t forgotten it. I’m still not a fan of evil, or empires. I still root for the underdog team. I still really prefer being right. And I love my furry critters.

Star Wars has had an enormous influence over my generation – and over me. You could probably make an argument that its influence was too great, but I might have to argue that point. Just take a quick peek at the news… it’s hard to deny that evil is real, that underdogs are embattled, and that loyalty is rare outside the world of the furry critters. I can think of a LOT of worse things that could influence me.

And so, on this lovely Star Wars Day, let me add my voice to those who have turned what might seem a silly phrase into a timeless benediction:

“May the Force be with you!”

“I am rubber, you are glue…”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones…”

“You’re not the boss of me!”

Over the years, I have often enjoyed the sheer simplicity and transparency of children’s debates. I know that words have power, but never do they hold as much power as they do for kids.

In a lot of ways, this is the epitome of magical thinking. For a child, words can literally alter reality. In the middle of a sweaty, physical game of tag, the phrase “time out” magically puts the world in a state of suspended animation. After a heated bout of name-calling, the phrase “I take it back” can magically produce forgiveness. At just about any time, the words “oh yeah???” can magically transform an angry boy into a master of wit on par with Oscar Wilde or Winston Churchill. And the word “Mom!!”, loudly drawn out into 3 or 4 syllables, can magically end a brawl faster than any known diplomatic technique.

And then we grow up.

Sort of.

There’s nothing like election season to show that we never really grow up.

The magical phrase that I’ve been hearing so much lately is “Yeah, but, well, they did it first!”

It’s been going on for years. For the last couple of years, we’ve been hearing Democrats complaining about the childish, disrespectful, obtuse things Republicans say about President Obama. The magical defense? “Yeah, but, well, you said bad stuff about President Bush!” And then the Democrats say “Yeah, but, well, you said bad stuff about President Clinton!” And then the Republicans come back with “Yeah, but, well, you said bad stuff about President Reagan!” And it goes on and on. Remember back in 1322 BC when supporters of Pharoah Horemheb heiroglyphed “Yeah, but, well, you carved bad stuff about King Tut on that obelisk!”

Classic.

This phenomenon has infamously returned in the latest kerfuffle-du-jour from Rush Limbaugh.

If you’ve somehow managed to miss this story, let me help you out: Rush said some things. Oh, and the “West Indies” turned out to be not India at all, Galileo was right, and we didn’t find green cheese on the moon.

Anyway, as is usually the case, Rush has his defenders… and they seem to be falling into two camps. In one camp, we have the folks who are defending his freedom of speech. Essentially their argument goes something like this:

Rush is an astronomical gas bag (on the level of a red giant) with a catastrophic lack of self-awareness, the empathy of a ball peen hammer, and a wondrously absent ability to discern fact from fiction, context from dirty limericks, and irony from industrial waste… but as long as he doesn’t break any laws, he has the right to say whatever he wants.

I’m with them – the First Amendment is a pretty cool deal, and unlike many politicians and pundits, I don’t think I get to decide which groups of Americans don’t have access to it.

It’s the other group of Rush defenders that have inspired my verbose rant: the ones who resort to the aforementioned childish magical thinking:

How can you be upset at what Rush said? After all, what about Bill Maher or Louis CK or whoever put Michele Bachmann’s googly eyes on that Newsweek cover? They did bad stuff, too!

The point being, other people said/did bad stuff sometime, so that makes what Rush said/did OK.

We could go on and on about logical fallacies and false equivalencies and the principles of rhetoric – but why bother? A person who would sincerely use that kind of argument has fully internalized the magical thinking – which is a very effective innoculation against logic.

The thing is, I’m not entirely convinced that everyone who uses that argument is truly earnest… I believe (or perhaps I should say hope) that many folks are just a bit lazy – or distracted – or busy – or just wanting the conversation to be over. They use the magical words because it’s easy. It’s a habit – they don’t really mean it.

Does the average person truly believe that the fact that Bill Maher said some incendiary, misogynistic things means that what Rush said was OK? Truly? Do we really think that mean things said about President Bush in 2007 justify saying mean things about President Obama in 2012? Truly?

I just don’t think so. Maybe I’m naive.

The fact is, if I say hateful things (like my gas bag comments about Rush earlier in this rant), they’re hateful things. It just doesn’t matter what anyone else said before – my own bad behavior is my own bad behavior.

So – if you feel a need to defend Rush, consider taking a couple of aspirin. If you still feel the need, maybe move from that magical thinking camp into the First Amendment camp – you’d at least have something close to reality as a foundation for your argument.

We know when something is wrong. We don’t have to compare it to something else – and we don’t have to rely on magical thinking to justify it.

Oh, and “I know you are, but what am I???”

It’s that time again.

Time to take a short break from the end of the year hysterics that plague us all — last minute shopping, psyching ourselves up for those visiting family members, continuing to fight (or laugh at) an imaginary War on Christmas — to look back over 2011.

After living through it, I sincerely believe that future historians will look back at this year and declare definitively: “2011 was, in fact, a year.”

Among other things, 2011 was a year of ushering out the old, and replacing it with the new. We finally got rid of Pants On The Ground, but we exchanged it for Rebecca Black’s anthem to Mensa members everywhere, Friday. We thought no one would notice if we replaced Charlie Sheen with Aston Kutcher. And we ‘downsized’ Nancy Pelosi, and brought in John Boehner.

It’s important to note that I said new here, and not better.

There are some who believe that those who don’t understand history are doomed to repeat it. Just in case that’s true, let’s get to it – so we don’t have to do this again!

I’m not really a fan of tradition, or of doing things because “that’s how it’s always been done,” but in this case, I’ll make an exception. We’ll start the year in…

JANUARY

As is our habit, we spent some of our time and energy in January looking back in time. Wikipedia celebrated being in business for ten years, but you might not want to quote that in your essay – just in case. President Obama was finally able to sign the bill that covered the medical costs of heroic 9/11 first responders. The US eased travel and other restrictions on Cuba (the country, not Gooding Jr.). And climate records officially showed that 2000-2010 was the warmest decade ever recorded.

The economy continued to be a big story in January. The official count revealed that US banks foreclosed on over 1 million mortgages in 2010. Goldman Sachs noted that their profit fell by 38%, so naturally they rewarded their CEO by more than tripling his salary – from $600,000 to $2 million. I mean, what would you do?? And surprisingly, despite the existence of both Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump, China passed the US as the world’s largest generator of wind power.

January brought with it some significant tragedies. In Tuscon, US Rep Gabrielle Giffords and 19 others were shot by a twisted wackjob. Ugandan human rights activist David Kato was brutally murdered. Scientists investigated the sudden deaths of tens of thousands of birds across the US. And since we talked a lot about earthquakes in 2010 , for 2011 we’ll concentrate on flooding – in January, major floods hit Brazil, Sri Lanka, South Africa, Saudi Arabia, and Australia.

Sargent Shriver went to watch Jack LaLanne do pushups in the Streets of Gold’s Gym.

There were other important events as well. The Arab Spring revolution began to change the world, starting in Tunisia, Egypt, Lebanon, and Yemen. Lance Armstrong cemented his icon status when he finally retired his wheels. MSNBC booted Keith Olbermann – which, depending on what side of the bed you get out of, was positive just because it happened, or because it helped expand the media universe beyond its previous confines. Great Britain showed that they’re still smarter than us by denying entry to Terry Jones, the Qu’ran-burning vegetable from Florida. And, in a world-reshaping referendum, more than 99% of voters elected to make Southern Sudan a sovereign nation independent of Sudan.

It seemed the year was on a roll – and January, as is so often the case, moved aside for…

FEBRUARY

The rains kept coming – the floods continued in Australia and Sri Lanka, and they hit Iran as well.

And floods weren’t the only natural disasters of February. A powerful blizzard blasted through the US midwest, and a major earthquake smacked New Zealand.

There were other types of disasters as well… The Cleveland Cavaliers set a new record for consecutive losses in a single NBA season. Blizzard announced that it was killing Guitar Hero. IBM’s contribution to SkyNet, Watson, whomped Brad Rutter and Ken Jennings on Jeopardy! And we bid adieu to Jane Russell, the 20th century’s answer to Helen of Troy.

In international news, the world continued to be in flux. Syria, Algeria, Iran, Bahrain, Libya, Djibouti, Jordan, Iraq, Morocco, Croatia, and Oman joined the Arab Spring. And because of these protests, change happened. The ruling party of Tunisia was officially dissolved, and – thanks to more than 2 million people demonstrating in Tahrir Square – Hosni Mubarak resigned as president of Egypt.

On the other side of the world, as immigration into the US fell off, immigration into Canada hit a record high. Maybe they should think about a fence, eh?

In the well, duh! department, the official inquiry into BPs oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico found that the catastrophe was entirely (that’s 100%, for those in the cheap seats) preventable.

And in the opposite of the well, duh! department, General Motors announced that it would pay its US hourly workers more than $4,000 each as a share of its profits – instead of giving all of it to its CEO. I have to say, that helped me feel better about buying a GM…

Oh, and apparently there was some Roman-Numeral-oriented football game in which the Packers beat the Steelers 31-25. But more importantly, during that game, we all saw the greatest commercial of all time (yes, I mean the one with the kid in the Darth Vader costume! If you don’t think that’s the greatest commercial ever, you can write your own Year In Review!!).

If you do write one, I can only assume that your Year In Review would have February followed by…

MARCH

This third month of the year was a time of significant transition. Phil Collins announced his retirement from music. Charlie Sheen started “winning”, and partied hard enough to kill two and a half men. The 14th Dalai Lama formally resigned as Tibet’s political leader. The New York Times announced it would start charging folks to read the same news on their website that they read for free on every other website. The world switched from the iPad to the iPad 2. Beyonce started growing a new Destiny’s Child. And the state of Illinois killed their death penalty.

There was also some unusual news stories in March. Surgeons in Boston performed the first full face transplant – and inexplicably, they weren’t sued by Joan Rivers. Pope Benedict XVI, prompt as ever, absolved the Jewish people for any responsibility for the death of Jesus. A 2500 year-old preserved human brain from the Iron Age was found near York in England, and in a related statement, Rush Limbaugh said, “So that’s where I left it!.”

In the latest episode of the popular game show “Let’s Fear and Hate What We Don’t Understand”, the evangelical world went nuts about a book they refused to read. The book, Love Wins, by Rob Bell, naturally went on to become a best seller… good job, fearmongers!

Flooding continued to play “didgeridoo in the billabong” in Australia, with Tasmania joining in this time. And Geraldine Ferraro joined Elizabeth Taylor in curtseying to the real Cleopatra.

The biggest story in March – and certainly one of the biggest of the entire year – was the 9.0 earthquake and subsequent aftershocks and tsunamis that rocked Japan, and, more specifically, the Fukushima nuclear power plant. This major event continues to have an impact, and is only now finally starting to be controlled. I find myself kinda hoping for Godzilla…

And my favorite story of the month – five Somali pirates who attacked the US Navy Frigate USS Nicholas are sentenced to life plus 80 years for being so unbelievably stupid that they attacked a US Navy Flippin’ Frigate! Best part? That happened in March, so it wasn’t even the kind of joke that is normally associated with…

APRIL

There were some stories that you’d think would have been April Fool’s jokes – but unfortunately, they weren’t. Kobe Bryant was caught on camera referring to a referee as a “Santorum.” (Editor’s note – this name was substituted for the actual offensive term used by Kobe.) The US Department of Justice defended its invasion of Wikileaks-related Twitter accounts, saying that any concerns about privacy or the First Amendment were “absurd.” The French banned the burqa and niqab. Sony’s PlayStation Network went offline after a worldwide security breach leaked the personal information of more than 77 million users. And President Obama released his long form birth certificate in the futile hopes that it would prove something to certain people for whom proof is only a term that reflects alcohol content.

Disasters didn’t take the month off… China, Indonesia, Philippines, Canada, the southern US, Columbia, and Brazil (again!) felt the wrath of major flooding. A sandstorm on the German autobahn led to a massive 80-plus car pile up. The US Congress made a hilariously bad temporary deal on the budget one hour before the deadline, avoiding a government shutdown. And, proving once again that it is bigger than everyone else, Texas suffered from wildfires that were larger and more destructive that those in surrounding states.

There was one disaster that no one seemed to think was a disaster… Atlas Shrugged – the Movie opened, exposing maybe four more people to some of the most hilarious fiction since Left Behind.

And then there were the events that were treated like disasters, but really weren’t … Pia Toscano was voted off American Idol. It was either the worst thing ever to happen in the history of television, or it wasn’t…depending on which side of the bed you got up on… And J Crew showed the world that wearing pink nail polish doesn’t make you gay any more than eating salmon makes you a grizzly bear.

In the category of “News That is Probably Only Interesting to Me”, researchers in Japan and Australia successfully teleported wave packets of light in a Schrodinger’s cat experiment; and UK Prime Minister David Cameron admitted to students in Pakistan that the British Empire of the past is to blame for a significant number of the world’s problems.

Speaking of the UK, in the category of “News That Apparently Mattered to Everyone BUT Me”, Prince Willie & Miss Cate got hitched in Westminster Abbey, surrounded by some of the most hilarious hats ever seen by mortal man.

As the old proverb goes, April showers bring…

MAY

…floods, which battered the midwest as the Mississippi River got too big for its bridges (ha!). But floods weren’t the only sign of Mama Nature’s crankiness – tornadoes rocked the central US, including a particularly nasty one that ravaged Joplin, MO.

Many of the largest stories in May had to do with elements of the media. Fox cancelled America’s Most Wanted after 23 years. The Oprah Winfrey Show ended after 25 years – and a new car!! Maria Shriver announced her separation from the Governator after 25 years of marriage. Scotty McCreery became the 10th American Idol. Macho Man Randy Savage slipped into an eternal Slim Jim. Duke Nukem Forever went gold (over 1/2 million sold) a full month before its release date. And speaking of release dates, Harold Camping was (here’s a shocker!!) wrong about the end of the world.

Trampling all over Jersey Shore and Real Housewives and Dance With Angry Celebrity Chefs, Models, and Kim Kardashian as the hottest, dumbest, and most ridiculous new reality TV show, the first episode of the Republican Presidential Debate and Gaffe Fest is held in South Carolina.

We learned that Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals. And we learned that some doofuses were mad that his body wasn’t made available to them for whatever doofy rituals they wanted to perform. In their anger, some of these doofuses signed on to partake in the aforementioned reality TV show.

As May flowed into…

JUNE

…the floods kept coming in Canada and around the Mississippi River in the US.

Sheriff Matt Dillon and Columbo solved the eternal mystery, witnessed by Clarence Clemons and Jack Kevorkian.

Arab Spring moved into summer for Morocco, Syria, Yemen, Libya, Egypt, and Tunisia.

Led by ‘Crazy Man’ Mark Cuban and ‘Tall Man’ Dirk Nowitzki, the Dallas Mavericks beat the ‘LeBron’ Heat to win their first NBA title. Hundreds of thousands of bandwagoners fell right off the wagon when they found out that the NBA lock-out would gut the next basketball season.

The other major stories in June came from our own great Gotham herself, New York. First, rising star Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress as a direct result of sending pictures of his “Limbaugh” out via Twitter. (Editor’s note – this name was substituted for the actual offensive organ sent out by the ironically-named Congressman.)

And secondly, the state of New York legalized same sex marriage. This move was widely considered to be a sign of “the end of civilization as we know it”… either because they did it, or because they took so long to do it – depending on which side of the bed you get up on.

Showing that some things in the world were still normal, June led right into…

JULY

July was a month of endings… Atlantis fulfilled the final mission of the US Space Shuttle program. Casey Anthony’s murder trial ended with her acquittal. The last Borders Book Store closed its doors. Amidst a huge phone hacking scandal, Darth Murdoch’s News of the World published its final edition. The final Harry Potter flick broke box office records with more than $92 million on its opening day. That’s a lot of ‘Every Flavour Jelly Beans!’ J Lo & Marc Anthony split. And Dan Peek strummed along as Amy Winehouse and Betty Ford sang about rehab…

July also had some beginnings… the hotly (ha!) anticipated heat wave of 2011 began. The next contender to fail to defeat Facebook, Google +, debuted. And South Sudan officially began its life as a sovereign nation, and was recognized and voted into the UN.

July wasn’t exempt from its share of tragedies. Flooding swamped Denver, South Korea, and the Philippines. And in one of the worst stories ever, right-wing nut job Anders Breivik took it upon himself to kill a bunch of kids in Norway. Although I’m not normally a supporter of the death penalty, I found myself sad that he wasn’t caught in Texas…

Do you know why ‘G’ is the hottest letter in the alphabet? Because it’s in the middle of…

AUGUST

…which didn’t disappoint in the world of nature. Temperatures continued to soar to record heights in the northern hemisphere, and floods kept on keeping on in Malaysia, China, both Koreas, India, Nigeria, Belgium, Vermont, and New Jersey.

And partly due to the heat, wildfires continued to rage across Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, and Colorado. At about this point, Rick Perry began wondering at the wisdom of cutting the budget to central Texas fire departments…

Speaking of raging, the US government finally got the debt ceiling raised, avoiding a full-on shutdown. Not surprisingly, their actions created a Hulk-like monster destined to trample across the country in a Godzilla-esque frenzy, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake… But more about this Supercommittee later…

Bubba Smith joined Nick Ashford in a heavenly Motown duet.

In media news, Netflix chose August to start its slow implosion, starting the ball rolling with an inexplicable price increase. Or are they smarter than we think? We’ll see! And after Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann won the Ames Straw Poll, the world’s worst rapper, T-Paw, dropped out of the world’s worst realty TV show.

August may have ended, but that didn’t mean things were ready to cool down in…

SEPTEMBER

In the back-to-school month, there were some major developments in the world of politics. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was finally abolished, Herman “Pizza Man” Cain won the Florida straw poll, Mitt “the Muppet” Romney won the Michigan straw poll, and women were finally allowed to vote in Saudi Arabia.

Tragedies in the world of nature continued to make headlines. The Philippines, China, Pakistan, India, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, DC, and New York were all hit by flooding. And an outbreak of listeria started in some cantaloupes from Colorado.

We learned that REM was breaking up, no doubt causing some to lose their religion…

And in a story that would come to dominate the news throughout the fall, the Occupy Wall Street movement began in New York City, causing a LOT of people to lose their minds as they chose to ignore the message of the protest while claiming to try to understand the message of the protest.

As fall officially rolled in, so did the month of…

OCTOBER

The change in season didn’t mean that the floods let up… this time they attacked Cambodia, Thailand, Ireland, and England.

Sports made it back into the news in October… Rich folks who want to be richer decided that there shouldn’t be any NBA basketball for awhile. In a baseball event called the ‘World’ Series, but that actually isn’t, the Cardinals beat the Rangers… and in a rugby event called the ‘World’ Cup, that actually is, New Zealand beat France. And in “why is this news” news, people decided to stop ‘planking’ and start ‘Tebowing’.

The good and the bad of marriage showed up in October: Sir Paul McCartney married Nancy Shevell, and Kim Kardashian divorced Kris Humphries after something like 20 minutes.

There were some developments with huge statistical impact. The human population of the world hit 7 billion. ICE reported that more than 400,000 illegal immigrants had been deported by the end of September, 2011, the most in US history – and there was still more than a quarter of the year left. This fact was completely missed by Tea Party supporters everywhere, naturally. The Occupy Movement expanded its reach – not only did it span across the US, it took hold overseas, sprouting up in Toronto, London, Madrid, Berlin, Rome, Bucharest, Tokyo, Taipei, and Sydney – all without any help from Joe the Plumber. And in Libya, reports were confirmed that Colonel Qaddafi was killed – probably the best-publicized result of the Arab Spring.

Steve Jobs went to show St. Peter his latest app…

In tech news, Microsoft bought Skype, and despite Apple’s release of the iPhone 4S, it lost its #1 smartphone maker ranking to Samsung. Don’t worry – when Siri becomes the voice of SkyNet, Samsung will pay!

And in another piece of the “News That Mikey Likes” category, Sarah Palin stated that she wouldn’t be running for president in 2012. Or will she?? (cue the ominous music)

And if all this wasn’t enough, even more stuff happened in…

NOVEMBER

The hits kept coming around the world as floods mangled Columbia, Italy, and reached the center of the city of Bangkok.

The world of politics didn’t lose a step in the fall. After years of scandal after scandal, Silvio Berlusconi finally resigned as Prime Minister of Italy. A whack job from Idaho took a couple of shots at the White House because he thought God told him to. Rick Perry reminded the world that he’s a rocket scientist, a tireless champion for the death penalty, and… I don’t remember the 3rd thing. Oops.

And in news that not nearly enough people think is important, new census data showed that 1 out of every 2 people in the US are classified as low-income, and nearly 50 million Americans live below the poverty line.

There were some other criminal stories in November, as well. Dr. Conrad Murray was sentenced to 4 years for the involuntary manslaughter of Michael Jackson. Penn State fired president Graham Spanier and football legend Joe Paterno for their roles in covering up sexual abuse allegedly committed by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky. And the LA County Sheriff’s office reopened its investigation into the death of Natalie Wood.

In other news that I don’t think is related, but maybe you do, the world got to see another 11/11/11; Regis Philbin left his show after 2,497 years; Demi filed for divorce from Ashton; American Airlines filed for Chapter 11; the Roman Catholic Church updated the official English translation of the Mass; the Roots didn’t play Billy Joel’s You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy for Michele Bachmann’s entrance on Jimmy Fallon’s show; and Pentatonix won the Sing-Off.

Joe Frazier, Anne McCaffrey, Bill Keane, and Heavy D went along to watch Andy Rooney complain about how bright it is in heaven.

Quickly becoming a meme thanks to very candid photos and video, the world saw serious incidents of excessive police brutality pop up at Occupy sites all over the country, with evidence appearing that at least some are the result of coordinated efforts. And sadly, to my knowledge, no one has taken up Megyn Kelly on her offer to spike her salad with pepper spray.

Remember that monstrous supercommittee I promised to get back to? No one was really surprised, but they failed to reach an agreement, choosing instead to fiddle while markets burned.

Unlike most of America, which seems to want its Christmas well before Thanksgiving, we’ve waited until after November was over before we went to…

DECEMBER

With strength that belied the fact that it was slowing down in general, major flooding hit the UK, and a disastrous flood tore up the Philippines. What wasn’t slowing down was the protesting that continued to roil wherever corruption showed its ugly little head. This time, along with the continuing Arab Spring (and Summer and Fall and Winter) and the Occupy Movement, angry protesters demonstrated in Russia to voice their displeasure with the election fraud allegedly perpetrated by Putin’s United Russia Party, and more protesters marched in China to voice their displeasure with the fact that… well… they’re ruled by the government of China.

Iran captured a US drone, and – here’s a surprise! – decided not to return it when President Obama asked them nicely. On the other hand, after WAY too much time, the US war in Iraq officially came to an end.

One of the only men who was ever able to be the president of two countries (Czechoslovakia and the Czech Republic), Vaclav Havel, passed on. And in International Irony News, North Korean baddie Kim Jong Il traveled by train because he was afraid to fly… and then he died on a train …

While world politics were a bit bleak, US politics continued to entertain… Herman “Munster” Cain suspended his presidential campaign due to the fallout from his alleged sexual misconduct, Rod “Rod” Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years for getting caught, and Spanky “the Donald” Trump fired himself from his own presidential debate once he saw that no one was coming.

Of course, not all of the news from the US political front was entertaining. President Obama signed into law the beginning of the end of the Fifth Amendment. The US Congress continued to debate whether its better to add a tiny percentage of taxes to a tiny percentage of people to bring in trillions of dollars, or to add a larger percentage of taxes to a much larger percentage of people to bring in a few billion dollars. Again it seems that eight fifths of our country suffer from math illiteracy. And lawmakers continued to work toward passing a law that will change the Internet forever, despite strong protests from every single Internet authority.

In entertainment news, Robert Griffin III of Baylor won the Heisman, and Tiger Woods won his first major tournament in two years. Those rich folks from earlier decided to go ahead and have a wee bit of NBA after all. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 became the fastest-selling entertainment product of all time – passing $1 billion in sales in just 16 days. And the trailer to The Hobbit started teasing geeks of all ages.

And more random news… Saab filed for bankruptcy, and astronomers found an earth-sized planet orbiting a star that’s only 950 light-years from Earth… bit of a long commute there.

Harry Morgan and Christopher Hitchens joined Dobie Gray as he drifted away one last time…

And for the second time, Time Magazine named me as Person of the Year. It’s just nice to be nominated…

As has been the case in the past, I typically end these things before the year actually ends – so there’s always the chance that something major will happen, and I won’t have made fun of it. It’s a harsh reality, but I think you’ll survive.

This year’s been a wild ride. Regimes changed. An entire new country was born. The McRib came back for awhile. Justin Bieber finally got a new haircut. But it’s about over.

Of course, given the pattern we’ve established over the last few thousand years, next year will be an even wilder ride than this one has been!

Happy New Year!!

Tis the season… it’s the most wonderful time of the year… oh the weather outside is frightful… it’s beginning to look a lot like… (cue the dramatic ominous music)… THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!!

Is there anything more ridiculous?

Our country has seen a lot of war. Real honest-to-goodness wars against real enemies who want to do real harm – wars that cost real lives, and spend real money, and inspire real protests.

But at the end of every year, real people spend real time and real energy protesting a war that isn’t real.

I will say this as clearly as I can:

When I say “Happy Holidays” I am NOT trying to destroy your way of life.

Some of you may not know me – so for the record, I am a Christian. I celebrate Christmas. I love Christmas. I recognize that Jesus wasn’t born in December, and I don’t care – I’m just glad he was born, and the fact that we celebrate his birth during my favorite season (winter!!) is just a bonus.

I am a Christian, but I understand grammar. You see, I’ve looked at a calendar before, so I know that there is more than one holiday in December. There are other religious holidays – along with Christmas, there’s Ashura and Hanukkah and the Soltice. There are more modern made-up holidays – like Boxing Day and Kwanzaa and Festivus (for the rest of us!). And there are many more special days – some silly, some serious – that are celebrated in December, leading up to New Year’s Eve (another of my favorites!).

So when I say “Happy Holidays”, I’m not trying to yank your Jesus away – I’m just being accurate. Note the ‘s’ on the end of “Happy Holidays”. The plural denotes that there are multiple holidays in the season. Remember, there are two types of people in the world: those who are bad at math…

I am a Christian, but I am not a bully. I have friends who celebrate Christmas. But I also have friends who are Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, athiest, and a couple of wiccans and neo-pagans. They know I’m Christian. They don’t sit around waiting to pounce on me if I don’t mention Christmas in every conversation. “Ooooh, Mikey said ‘Happy Holidays’ – c’mon, let’s go convert him!”

So, am I really going to freak out and write a letter and boycott a store or restaurant because an employee said “Happy Holidays” when I walked in, or put up a sign that says “Seasons Greetings”? Am I so weak in my faith that I insist that they respect MY faith above anyone else’s faith? Am I so insecure in my beliefs that I require preferential treatment in order to feel good about myself?

Most religious traditions have some version of the Golden Rule, but Christianity is the source of the commonly quoted “official” version of it. It seems to me that we should act as though we believe it. If I want others to take me and my beliefs seriously – or at least respectfully – then shouldn’t I do the same?

“Seasons Greetings” and “Happy Holidays” aren’t an intentional affront to your sensibilities. They aren’t a subtle attack by a vast left-wing cabal working behind the scenes to undermine the basic tenets of your worldview.

I know this because I rarely miss a cabal meeting.

They’re simply a recognition that Christians aren’t alone in the world. And if that is enough to undermine the basic tenets of your worldview, maybe there are larger issues for us to discuss…

So – to those of you who participate, I’d like to say “Merry Christmas.” And to everyone, “Happy Holidays”… and may we all have a Happy New Year!