
A year. Twelve months. As the song says, 525,600 minutes (give or take) has passed since my last Year In Review. So it’s time to take a look back at 2012.
I think this particular retrospective is gonna be just a bit different. So much of 2012 was negative – and I don’t really want to go back over it again – so I’m leaving that in the past.
There was plenty of positive in 2012 – the slow but steady decline in unemployment, the political changes happening in Myanmar, Nicholas David making it to the Top 3 on The Voice – so I’m going to look back at some of the positive stories that interested me. It’s entirely possible that they weren’t interesting to you – and that’s OK… you can write your own Year In Review!
To show emotional support for those friends of mine who are chronological purists, I’ll go ahead and start with…
January
In “We Keep On Running Into Weird Timing Issues In Our Technology” news, the International Telecommunication Union chose to postpone the decision to keep or toss the leap second until 2015, “pending the results of further studies.” Now those are going to be some riveting studies! In “stupid criminal” news, some rocket scientist in Mexico accidentally sent 2 sacks of pure cocaine to the headquarters of the United Nations in New York. Oopsie! And in other international news, my favorite reggae-loving island, Jamaica, announced its intention to move forward with plans to become a republic. Once that’s done, Queen Liz II won’t be its monarch any longer. Speaking of Liz, in…
February
…she celebrated the 60th anniversary of her queenliness. Not a bad run! Adele won the Grammys, and The Artist won the Oscars. And in a wondrous example of grocery-store-impulse-buying, Kellogg bought Pringles from Proctor & Gamble. They didn’t buy a can of Pringles… they bought Pringles. Hope they had a coupon! From there, our shortest month gave way to…
March
…which was a month of milestones. The Apple App store passed 25 billion downloads. Wendys passed Burger King as the second fiddle to McDonald’s. And Sara Blakely became the youngest self-made female billionaire according to Forbes. How’d she do it? She invented Spanx… there are so many jokes in there, but on the advice of my attorney, I’ll let you think of them. The venerable Encyclopaedia Britannica stopped its print version, deciding to stick with the online version. I sure hope this Internet thing isn’t a fad! Speaking of fad, one of the flicks I was most anticipating, John Carter killed on Mars, but bombed on Earth. But at least Hunger Games got girls interested in archery… which took us from March to…
April
Faster than you can translate all of the lyrics of “Hakuna Matata” into Klingon, The Lion King passed The Phantom of the Opera as the all-time highest grossing Broadway show. And I don’t mean gross as in the bug-eating scene – I mean cash! Speaking of cash, Facebook downloaded Instagram for $1 billion. That’s a lot of hipster snapshots! The world commemorated the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic – and to metaphorically illustrate the idea of sinking, 50 Shades of Grey was published. And it wasn’t an April Fool’s joke.
May
Bringing us ever closer to our promised Roddenberrian Utopia, Chinese scientists successfully teleported photons more than 60 miles. The SpaceX Dragon became the first commercial spacecraft to dock with the International Space Station. Trying their best Mayan impression, astronomers from the Hubble Telescope Project predicted that the Milky Way galaxy will collide with Andromeda… in 4 billion years! And the first of a series of bizarre zombie cannibal attacks happens in Miami. Oh, and speaking of galactic and/or hideous disasters, Facebook’s IPO happened…
June
The science-y stuff continued. A plane called The Solar Impulse completed the first intercontinental flight powered only by the sun. And the US Air Force’s “secret” robot spaceplane returned to Earth after a 469-day orbital mission. In a failed attempt to prove he’s not a Bond villain, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison bought the Hawaiian island of Lanai. Coca-cola returned to Myanmar after 60 years, making Cuba and North Korea the only 2 countries where Coke doesn’t do business. And in Final Jeoparty! news, a popular game show host recovered from a mild heart attack. Who is Alex Trebek?
July
After lots of bucks and promises, scientists at CERN finally presented results that are consistent with the existence of the Higgs boson. Weirdly, the world didn’t end. The California senate approved funding for a bullet train that will run between Los Angeles and San Francisco. The senate then held a press conference to emphasize to California commuters that this is a bullet train – not just more bullets. DirecTV and Viacom reached an agreement, restoring Comedy Central to the millions of homes that had to do without. And Ye Olde London Towne hosted the Opening Ceremony of the Summer Olympics. I heard that there might have been an athletic event or two after the Opening Ceremony, but that was never really confirmed. July was the hottest month of the year,
until…
August
…rolled in. Brazilian researchers published a study showing that banana spider venom can relieve erectile dysfunction in less than 20 minutes. Many men considered the information – and, upon further reflection, decided that’s not a good place for a spider bite, choosing to stick with the little blue pill. NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars. Oh, and there was more space news! A journal called Physical Review published a study that described the Big
Bang as a phase change ruled by event symmetry (a function of quantum gravity wherein the diffeomorphism invariance of general relativity can be extended to a covariance under any permutation of spacetime events), which could totally be an explanation of how our spacetime could’ve originated from previous matter. Duh!!
September
Some scientists in Japan confirmed the discovery of the 113th element – so now I gotta re-do my periodic table again!! In “what on earth will they serve” news, McDonald’s announced plans to open 2 vegetarian restaurants at pilgrimage sites in northern India. In “I can’t un-read that” news, the University of Gothenburg in Sweden completed mother-to-daughter uterus transplants… so now women can give birth using the very same wombs that birthed them! And in news that other people really really cared a lot about, the NFL referee lockout ended – so people could go back to complaining about refs’ calls in football games… wait a minute…
October
October was a kind of a slow month. Except for Disney – they announced their plan to buy Lucasfilm Ltd. for over $4 billion. That’s billion – with a B! So we have some new Jar Jar Binks movies to look forward to! Oh, and that lunatic Felix Baumgartner set a bunch of crazy records: highest altitude for manned balloon flight, highest altitude for a parachute jump, and greatest free fall velocity. He jumped from 24 miles up, hitting 834 miles per hour, and was the first person to break the sound barrier without a vehicle!!!. I don’t even remember what I did in October!
November
Google’s Gmail passed Microsoft’s Hotmail as the top email client… the latest in Google’s transition into SkyNet. Puerto Rico voted to become a US state. It’s in the hands of our Congress now, so a decision should be made by the time the Milky Way crashes into Andromeda… November was a good month for Japanese robots: they unveiled a robot designed to enter nuclear disasters (like the one in Fukushima), and they announced that they’ll be sending a talking robot into space next year to keep astronaut Koichi Wakata company on his 6-month ISS mission. And in creepy news, Gangnam Style, the creepy song/dance from Korean pop star, Psy, passed the Biebs as the most-viewed creepy video on YouTube – approaching a billion views. Creepy.
December
Prince & Princess Willie & Kate announced that they’re expecting a new baby monarch. Voyager I has approached the end of the heliosphere and will soon be heading into interstellar space. To those aliens who find it, welcome! After quadruple-checking the vote counts, governments in Washington and Colorado amended their state laws allowing personal use of marijuana. And in probably-unrelated-but-I’m-not-quite-sure news, Pope Benedict XVI sent out his first tweet. And in I’m-sure-it-is-related news, Hasbro announced that it will start producing a gender-neutral Easy-Bake Oven. Since Hostess is going away, those might just sell like crazy in Washington and Colorado!
As usual, I wrote this before the actual end of the year, so I might have missed something that happened over the holidays. If I did, well, hey – it just happened… you probably remember it!
It’s been a rough year for a lot of us. I hope this look back has shown that there were some bright spots. And I pray that next year will provide even more bright spots!